What I Wish I Would've Known Before
Signing My Au Pair Contract

       Most likely you will be discussing the terms of your potential au pair position with the matriarch of the family in question.  Keep in mind; she is hardly an impartial commentator on her children’s behavior.  In her mind, the children she is describing are angels, geniuses, every negative trait dismissed and every outburst of temper or other traditionally negative behavior is excused away.  My favorite, used at all times of day and in all circumstances, “She’s acting like this because she is just so tired!” 

       So in regards to children’s behavior and personalities, take the parents glowing descriptions and add temper tantrums, tears and a small dose of physical violence.  But keep in mind they are little, so their punches, kicks and bites don’t hurt very much. 

      I learned this the hard way.  My employer described the children as cute, adorable, her son a little genius, her daughter a little princess.  What I got were two incredibly spoiled kids.  The little princess is prone to fits of screaming and temper unparalleled in children twice her age, the son a spoiled snot who would complain even if you gave him more than he deserved.  Both considered themselves completely entitled to everything and anything they wanted.  And their parents continually bolster that assumption, and I spent a good portion of my au pair experience bemoaning my naïveté in listening to the mother of these two “wonderful” children.

      There are a few ways to protect yourself—one way is to get an independent opinion.  If the kids are in school, ask for their teacher’s email address.  If not, I was amazed at how family friends will level with you about children that aren’t their own. And if you get stuck with brats, take heart. You’ll have a big influence on them.  Who knows how much you could potentially help them? 

     When I did my negotiations and asked my questions, I focused primarily on the kids.  I wanted to know about the children I would be taking care of; I was curious about what they were like.  However, a lot of other things can have a huge impact on your au pair experience.  For me the big ugly, and yes, sometimes naked surprise was the father of the family.  Calling him the father is completely misleading, considering his immaturity and complete inability to clean up after himself he should really be classified as the third child.  Adding to the problem was the matter of differing expectations—the mom expected one thing, the father another.  As an au pair, you live with the family, everything from the state of the parent’s marriage on down affects you.  And as it is nearly impossible to ask every question (and completely impossible to expect unflinching, honest answers to every question), surprises are inevitable.  But I cannot stress enough the importance of being thorough.  Ask specifically about the family life, not just the kids.  Because believe me, you are intimately involved with the former, not just the latter.  And here’s hoping your surprise doesn’t come in the form of a very short, ugly, naked Danish man. 

       Being an au pair can be an isolating experience.  Almost every au pair I’ve talked to has talked about how lonely it can be—at least initially.  Those first few weeks when you’re pretty sure you’re the only sane one in the house can be particularly rough.  And I recognize that a lot of that loneliness stems from being so far away from home, friends and family, but being on your own living with a family that can’t help but see you as `just an employee’ has its own implications on the loneliness front.

        I didn’t worry about making friends because I had never had a problem making friends before.  But I wasn’t in college anymore, and that seemingly endless source of new people I had taken for granted in college dried up when I moved across an ocean into a country where I didn’t speak the dominate language.  This was a problem, to be sure, but not an insurmountable one.  Here are some ideas:

• The internet.  Services like friendster.com can help you by letting you search for, say, Au Pairs in Denmark—leading you to others in your situation.  And the way the systems work you can give out a minimum amount of information, so they aren’t scary.  Although I did get a few scary messages from Turks inviting me to be their “lovely lady, since I didn’t post my email, the fright was limited.
• The family you live with might know someone and could set you up.
• Negotiate a language course as part of your contract.  This can be a great way to meet people as well as an interesting cultural experience.
• And if you go through an agency, you generally get a list of contact info for other au pairs in the area…which is the best reason I can think of to go through an agency.

      And yeah, if you have introvert tendencies you might tell yourself, “A year on my own, that’s not bad…I’ll read books, write a novel, study for the L-SAT…” Well, whatever lies you tell yourself is fine, but I’ve found that my friends are my sanity.  I guarantee at some point the family you live with will drive you insane and having someone to complain to about the naked guy will help you see how silly it all is and laughing will help.  A lot.

      One thing I really wish I would’ve known is how flexible the au pair position really is.  There are tons of different ways you can arrange your stay, live in, live out, shared….lots of options.  I met one girl who was a shared au pair, which meant about the time one of her families drove her crazy, it was time to go to the next. And while each variation obviously has its own problems, at least there are options.

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